Was in a strange mood yesterday. Maybe I’m just tired of being lonely, tired of never being able to meet up with everyone at one go, tired of not knowing what to say when we’re together, tired of the monotony, tired of my numbed state of mind. I want to love, to laugh, to cry like I used to, to hurt, to feel the heightened turmoil of emotions overwhelm me. Do we get so desensitised as we grow older that we hardly respond to anything anymore, that we forget how to love and hate, to feel the pain like we used to, when our worlds were smaller and everything in it swelled in significance as a result?

After lying in bed, staring at the blank wall for an hour, I couldn’t stand it. Just had to get it out somehow. So I penned this. It’s kind of raw, but it’s the only way I knew how to put it.

What do you do
On the nights you have no-one
To love,
The nights you cling
To your pillow for warmth,
Hoping time will fill up
The space next to you?
You lie on your side,
Facing the wall,
Because that is easier
Than looking at the mouth
Of darkness,
Shadows stretched
Into a distorted version of reality,
Ready to swallow you whole.
The baseless ground shakes –
Or is that just your heart,
Trembling,
Inching towards the edge,
About to burst
Into a million tears?

It is only
3a.m.
I just want to thank all my friends – you know who you are – who have been with me for so long, despite everything. I don’t do this enough, I know. But I do love you, every one of you who have shared so much – or at least, my version of much – with me.

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