an update on the party business

I chickened out in the end. I chose the easy way out and retreated into my hermit cave instead of attending the pirate-themed beach party my company threw just for kicks. (Also, I keep mentioning pirate-themed, only because I want to remind myself how ridiculous it sounds to someone who doesn’t like themed parties that involve dressing up.)

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My company is big on these bonding events, and really it’s not so bad. There’s pizza, booze, games, goody bags, prizes – the usual shebang you’d expect at a company party. But I’m not a party person in general. My idea of a good Friday night is curling up on the couch with a book, or being productive and churning out pages of my novel.

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It might be the cynic in me speaking, but I don’t want to get close to anyone when I’m likely not going to see these people again. I don’t want to get attached when I intend to leave as soon as something else comes along.

But I do understand that in order to have something worth writing, I need to go out and live. Experience things, see things, meet and talk to people, even if they’re only going to be acquaintances. I know I need to break out of my routine and my cloistered life for the sake of my sanity, my social life and cultivate a less boring personality.

But I’m terrified – deathly terrified – that it would turn out really awkward and, well, un-fun. And that I’d have wasted my time being a socially-retarded loser. I think that’s the reason why I’m always hesitant to attend social events. That I’d be reminded of the fact that I either stick out like a sore thumb or have to behave in a socially acceptable way – requisite small talk, bright smile to constantly hold up, chirpy voice – in order to fit in.

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Of course, staying in my comfort zone makes me even more of a socially-retarded loser.

I want to get out more. I do. But sometimes, going out is such a hassle and meeting new people is daunting. Terrifying. It gets even more terrifying the more I retreat into my shell. Because the truth is, despite how much I convince myself I don’t care what people think of me, it is ALL I can think about when I meet them.

Does she think I’m weird? 

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Am I boring him? 

Is she wishing she’s anywhere else but here with me? 

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What will he say to his friends about me? 

Do I have something in between my teeth? 

Oh god, did I just snort in laughter?

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Well, in any case, it’s raining now. A part of me is relieved. Now I won’t have to feel so bad about not going. A moment later, another part of me chides that relieved part for being so selfish. Urgh. If only I weren’t such a weirdo. How do you become normal? What is normal? Taking part in social drinking and party games? What if I don’t want to be that kind of “normal”? Does that make me abnormal?

Next time. Next time I promise I’ll go.

The 5 crazy things I did because of my crush

So I came across this post on Material World today, where the beauty/fashion/lifestyle website founder Deborah shared TEN (OMG, I applaud her bravery) of the crazy, silly things she did because of her crush.

So I thought I’d share five (just five – I might die of embarrassment if I reveal any more, though my friends can probably dole out a few more) of mine:

1. Creepy staring
Hear me out. The rational behind this is actually totally sane. It’s an attempt to brainwash the poor guy into thinking he likes me. Like, “Hmm, maybe if I stare long enough he’ll realise what a great catch I am and trip over himself in his hurry to ask me out. You’re in love with me. You’re in love with me. YOU ARE IN LOVE WITH ME, DAMMIT.”

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2. Finding common ground
“He likes fruit juice – I do too! He blinks every five seconds – I do too! He throws his head back when he laughs – that is SO me!”

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So basically, everything we share in common is reason why we are SOULMATES and should totally get together already!

3. Time-table planning
Me to friend: “At 11:05:46 a.m., he will walk through that hallway. So we have to be there at 11:05:47 and look like we just happened to bump into him. Hurryyyy!” Upon which I would drag my friends to that exact spot in the hallway and act all breezy and go:

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4. Sneaky glances
This is not to be confused with creepy staring. Sneaky glances are when he already knows of your existence and is experiencing that chill down the nape of his neck, so you have to be strategic in your looking. And make sure your friends don’t stare too!

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After you make off with a hard-won glimpse of him, you can share a subtle conspiratorial look with your friend.

Or maybe one that’s not so subtle:

5. Code names
From fruits to anatomical parts (we keep it clean, though), my friends and I give that guy a secret name that only makes sense to us. We DO NOT use his real name. Except in scribbled notes we pass among ourselves in class, and destroy entirely and thoroughly by the time the bell rings.

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* (Bonus) 6. And of course, the requisite freakout session when he replies your text message or says hi to you in the cafeteria.

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Wow. I realise a belated apology is due. To all my ex-crushes (though you may not know who you are because I’m sneaky that way), I’m sorry for the psychological trauma I must have put you through. You gave me sweet, sweet memories of my school life, although I’m the one who has to live with the embarrassment now.