when existential angst seizes you on a Thursday night

WAIT.

It’s been more than A MONTH since I wrote my last blog post? Not just, I don’t know, two weeks?? Where did all that time go???

I honestly thought it’s only been at most three weeks since I last blogged. The past month, like all those before it, flew by with deadlines and events and the mad rush at work to clear my Inbox (when will I ever have zero unread mail?) and check things off the never-ending to-do list.

Every time I realise how quickly time has passed and how completely oblivious I have been about that, this suffocating sadness settles over me.

And along with it comes even more panic.

On top of worrying whether I’ve replied all the urgent emails and cleared everything flagged as top priority on my to-do list and accounted to all the relevant people, I also worry about all the time I’m wasting NOT doing the things I love or actually care about.

Sometimes, I don’t know if this anxiety and sadness (I won’t call it depression because it would discount what true depression sufferers are going through) is normal, if everyone my age feels the same way, as though we’re juggling multiple things in our lives and may lose our grasp on any one of them any second, or if things will get better as soon as I make the bold leap out of my current circumstance.

What if I’m just leaping into another big mistake?

What if this is as good as it gets, and I just need to grit my teeth and get through it?

What about all the other unexplored possibilities out there?

What am I giving up by staying in my comfort zone?

What if I sacrifice safety by venturing out?

Is there any guarantee at all for anything??

Okay, that just got way too heavy for the night. I’m not here to mope and moan again. This was supposed to be a quick update on the WIP, the short story blog, and other (frankly, nonexistent) life updates. I just got triggered by the time that has lapsed since my last post.

I’ll leave the trend-of-thought rambling for sessions with my therapist. For now, there’s always Rilke and his sagely advice

Okay, updates.

  1. On Neverland

On the writing front, I’m still working my way through draft six of NO ROOM IN NEVERLAND. It’s slow-going, especially for Act II, and I understand why some of the agents I queried pointed out the saggy middle. Because the middle IS saggy. I got bored reading it, which means my readers will too.

The question, now, is how to create more tension in Act II and keep the story plodding along. And I can’t move on until this is resolved. Hence, a brief stalemate.

2. On the short story blog

The four of us have decided to take down the pace a notch over at our short story blog. I explained it in this post, but basically we felt that one short story a month, on top of other posts every week, was too hectic given our respective commitments with our day jobs, family, our own WIPs, and everything else.

So instead of a weekly short story, we’ll be posting one fortnightly. Better a short story that we’ve spent time and effort on than one that we churn out for the sake of meeting deadlines, right?

3. On life

Well, what more is there to say? I’ve been cooped up in a bubble, ricocheting between work and writing, work and writing.

Thank goodness for steadfast friends who keep me sane and are unfailingly patient, ceaselessly encouraging, and immensely kind. (And you, dear reader, for being forgiving of my liberal use of adverbs).

A friend of mine said that we, as writers, need to feed our soul in order to create stories that in turn feed others’ souls. That we shouldn’t see the time we spend not writing as wasted, but as nourishment for when we do sit down and write.

Another friend told me that we shouldn’t see life as a race to the destination. Even if we have a goal in mind, the journey itself is worth paying attention to, and we need to live in every single moment that takes us to our destination eventually, even if that means watching YouTube videos or taking a day off just to roam around the city.

(Seriously, how are my friends so wise and in the know?!)

It reminded me of a quote from one of my favourite YA authors, Sarah Dessen:

sarah dessen the truth about forever.jpg

And of course, that Rilke quote about living the questions now so that we might one day, finally, live into the answer is a timeless source of comfort.

Looking back on 2016, I was sooo hung up on not having completed a manuscript. I kept feeling like I had wasted an entire year. And I put so much pressure on myself because I told myself I have big plans for my life and can’t afford to slacken.

But if I hadn’t spent my time reading those books, watching those dramas, pursuing those ideas, attending orchestra concerts on weekends, going through the necessary angst, or giving myself the time and space to do things outside of writing (i.e. living), I wouldn’t have come up with two new novel plots that get my heart racing and my fingers itching to write every time I think about them.

Sometimes, I think my gaze is so fixed on the finish line that my view becomes entirely blinkered and I ignore everything else around me. Still working on that.

I guess what I’m trying to say, after all this rambling is, I will learn to trust in the journey. I hope you will too, dear reader, and I hope you’ll find your forever in the moments you’re living right now.

steve jobs connect the dots.png

when life crowds out everything else

don't put your dream in your pocket

You know how when you get too caught up in the daily grind and its nitty-gritty demands that everything else falls by the wayside and suddenly you glance at the calendar and realise weeks have passed and your brain is still stuck in two weeks ago — no, 2015?

Yeah, that just happened. Again. Actually, it’s happened too many times before. And weeks, months, YEARS can pass just like that. When you stop to take a breather and realise that all this time has fled and you’ve done pretty much nothing that you can show for.

2016 was like that for me. A year where everything was a blur, weeks blended into each other and I had no idea when one ended and another started. My calendar was full of deadlines, and the to-do list for work jostled for the most space on my phone and desktop.

We get caught up the snare of day-to-day life unwittingly. It creeps in, slow and insidious, beginning as just regular ol’ anticipation for the weekend, when we have some alone time, some room to breathe, at last. We try to survive through the week, and then anticipate the next weekend.

rinse wash repeat.jpg

Pretty soon, the brief reprieve offered by weekends is the only thing that’s keeping us afloat.

Weeks can fly by when we’re counting them down like that. We can lose grasp of our time, our goals, our dreams, when we let real life rob us day by day. Commitments like the day job, socialising, chores, errands… Something’s got to give, and more often than not it’s the thing that asks the least of us that gets sacrificed. The thing that asks the least of us, but gives us the most joy.

For artists, it’s our art.

It sounds frivolous and indulgent, but it isn’t. Living isn’t just about survival. On top of that, it’s about finding a purpose, a calling, a reason for being, what the Japanese call ikigai.

ikigai.jpg

Everyone would have, by my age, typically found theirs by now. Otherwise, we’d all just stay in bed and wonder what we exist for.

For artists — at least, for this artist — the drive to create is what keeps me going. I can’t break down yet, I can’t give in yet, not until I publish another book, reach one more reader, finish writing another novel.

Therefore:

writer court insanity kafka.jpg

When there is no space in our lives to create, or at least (in Liz Gilbert’s words) pursue our curiosity, life dims into a dreary pool of watery light. When our minds are so preoccupied with keeping up with the demands of everyday life to venture into the realms of creativity, we become ravenous, mercurial beasts, snapping at everything in our way and not understanding why. We grow heavy and lethargic in our hearts, to the point where we can’t seem to breathe, or where everything comes out in tears.

What Laini Taylor said in this blog post (which I keep going back to) was right:

You can be convinced you’re following your dream, or that you’re going to start tomorrow, and years can pass like that. Years.

The thing is, there will be pressure to adjust your expectations, always shrinking them, shrinking, shrinking, until they fit in your pocket like a folded slip of paper, and you know what happens to folded slips of paper in your pocket. They go through the wash and get ruined. Don’t ever put your dream in your pocket.

I let 2016 pass me by. I’m not going to let real life rob me of my time this year, I’m not going to put my dream in my pocket any longer. I will unfold it. I will find the time and space for it, if only because it is growing too restless sitting in my pocket and sitting in my heart and it’s manifesting itself as tears, despondency, night-time despair, and a bone-deep restlessness that is crowding out every other thought in my head.

But I don’t have time to go insane. I don’t have time for a mental breakdown (although physically I have, what with a high fever, sore throat, and the flu I’m just slowly recovering from). I don’t want to be lost and depressed anymore. Because there’s work to be done, and only I can get it done.

If nothing, I can at least say I tried, and it was all worth the effort.

I think the passion for an extraordinary life, and the courage to pursue it, is what makes us special. And I don’t even think of it as an “extraordinary life” anymore so much as simple happiness. It’s rarer than it should be, and I believe it comes from creating a life that fits you perfectly, not taking what’s already there, but making your own from scratch.

~ Laini Taylor

 

 

Some chicken soup for the creative soul is brewing…

I know. It’s been more than a couple of weeks, and I did promise I’d blog at least fortnightly, if not weekly. But in between a back sprain and nonstop events for work, it’s only now that I managed to squeeze in some blogging time.

It’s been two week of aches and pains (which means I have to do everything slightly slower now so I don’t aggravate my back – this is torturous for someone who typically walks at 6.5km/h), and with all the work piling up in the office, I’ve been completely overwhelmed. Well okay, I got to attend a movie premier and a couple of makeup launches which weren’t quite so bad but man, the day job just doesn’t quit (pun intended)!

Thanks for the invite, @cloverfilmssg! #CallofHeroes Date with 🐴🐝 @yuyanpeng

A post shared by Joyce Chua (@thewritesofpassage) on

Anna Sui's new collection is soooo dreamy can I haz it allll 😍😍😍 #perksofthejob

A post shared by Joyce Chua (@thewritesofpassage) on

Lost in Anna Sui wonderland (and spazzing over customised palettes and new fragrances)

A post shared by Joyce Chua (@thewritesofpassage) on

#friyay #tgifridays #onassignment

A post shared by Joyce Chua (@thewritesofpassage) on

I’ve only been able to snatch a few moments here and there to work on the manuscript , but at least I’ve got some inkling of where it’s going. I’m at page 186 now so things are gaining speed, as they should. If only I can devote the time to write! As it is, I’m still trying to catch up on work and finish up a report (UGH, Excel. UGH, number-crunching)
Still, the plus side of my job is that I get to write about the things I like, such as:
insta 3
insta 2
insta 1
So there’s that, at least.
Also, I’m preparing to launch a series of interviews with creative types called Create Your Life.
The name for the interview series came about from the quote above. We’ve got a lot of storytellers in our midst – writers, artists, songwriters, musicians, and people who champion the arts – who have a lot to share about their own creative processes, inspirations and hangups. And as a writer myself, I am fascinated with how others find their stories. How they carve out a path for themselves as they venture into the unknown. How they satisfy their imagination and curiosity. How they overcome all the odds to make their dreams a reality.

#qotd for the dream chasers @yuyanpeng

A post shared by Joyce Chua (@thewritesofpassage) on

I think this is one of the main reasons why I like Eddie so much. Not just because he’s a pretty face – there are many pretty faces around, but what makes me relate to Eddie on another level is because he is someone who is incredibly passionate about acting. He’s not just a celebrity – he’s an artist. He revels in the process of delving into his characters’ psyches, experiencing the world from their shoes, and presenting it on the screen. To him, the process of understanding and portraying his characters is what brings meaning to his job. He gets to experience life from various points of view. To him, the outcome (box office success, awards, etc) doesn’t matters as much as the process.
As writers, we aim to do the same. We want to view life through different lenses, from different perspectives, and create characters that readers can relate to, root for, and find solidarity in.
And sometimes, when it seems like the manuscript is never going to be done, or that I will never be able to find the time I need to finish it or devote more of myself to my craft, I turn to Eddie-isms, his quotes on fighting for your dreams. He’s suffered setbacks before in his career (he even considered quitting before), but through sheer grit and hard work, the willingness to take risks and to devote himself entirely to his one true passion, he has now made a name for himself and is able to do what he loves for a living.
Here are some that I return to every time I feel stranded on the same spot:
The places you’ve been, the things you’ve seen, will shape your life. If you get stuck along the way, never let yourself remain stuck. Tell yourself this is what you have to go through now so that you will come to cherish the fruits of your labour even more.
Some dreams start off very far away from us. But the more you strive to achieve them, the closer you get to them.
Stay grateful for everything you have experienced and you will find the road to your dreams a lot easier to endure.
This is the reason why I’m doing the Create Your Life series. It’s to understand other artists’ journeys towards their dreams, their struggles, their fears, what drives them, what defeats them (temporarily). Hopefully it will awaken the dreamer in the rest of us and inspire us to make something good out of our one wild and precious life 🙂
Joyce x
[Psst! You may like to read more quotes here: Writing Inspiration for the Week]

The Muse Waits for No One

wishes and hope laini taylor

~ Laini Taylor

You know how you’re in the middle of charging through a scene and you don’t really want to stop for any interruption in case the Muse decides to go play with someone else?

^ Current situation as I make the leap from act 2 to act 3 of Before I Remember You.

So I’m just sharing this inspiring TED talk by Lisa Bu before I bounce back to the manuscript. Enjoy!

QOTD: “I have come to believe that coming true is not the only purpose of a dream; its most important purpose is to get us in touch with where dreams come from, where passion comes from, where happiness comes from. Even a shattered dream can do that for you.”

This is incredibly important. Don’t give up on your dreams no matter how shattered or bruised they may be! They are what make you stronger and more resilient. Find a way to fix that dream, and protect it with all your heart.

 

Joyce ♥

Sorry for the synopsis spam!

If you subscribe to my blog and just received a bunch of notifications for new posts in your mailbox, and they’re ALL synopses for my manuscripts, I APOLOGISE.

I’m just in the midst of doing up a new page on my blog, Novels, and for navigation purpose I had to publish each of them as blog posts so the page doesn’t get too crowded.

So thanks for putting up with the spam! If you like any of the synopses, do click on the Like button so I know if I’m on the right track. Fellow writers would know how incredibly hard it is to condense a 75K word novel into a 150-word synopsis, so on top of working on BLOOD PROMISE and BEFORE I REMEMBER YOU, cleaning up my synopses is what I spent my weekend doing.

ugh synopsis and query letter

But while birthing a synopsis might be torture, it also brings you so much clarity. What is the story you are trying to tell? Sieve out the essential points – character and conflict – and then frame it up prettily in an enticing premise. This synopsis can serve as a guide – albeit a brief one – as you write your novel. Already, I’m seeing my WIPs in a brighter light!

Can’t believe this is the tenth manuscript already! This post by literary agent Kristin Nelson is a good reminder to keep going beyond that.

why do you write joanne harris

I started seriously writing novels in late-2008 (no, those written in primary and secondary school don’t count) and submitting them for publication in mid-2009, and every one of them is distinctive of a certain point in my life. It’s like how you listen to a particular song and get transported back in time. Every book is a zeitgeist on its own. They capture the mood and worldview (and state of mind) of the writer, and basically captures a piece of the writer’s soul.

A writer’s stories will probably never mean as much to anyone else but herself, but that’s okay. Because as long as there’s one person who believes in the story – even if that person is herself – that’s all she needs to keep the words coming.

Happy Monday, everyone!

The Value of Dreams in a Numbers-Driven World

A friend and I caught up over coffee the other day, where we talked about how jaded we were doing work that wasn’t what we fully believed in or what fuelled our actual dreams, and how our creative efforts were being overshadowed by the demand for tangible returns.

Basically, in the corporate world everything comes down to profits. Revenue. Sales. Site traffic. Everything quantifiable in numbers, in other words. But what if you’re someone creating things that can’t or shouldn’t be quantified with numbers, how then do you measure success or worth?

Sometimes it seems like you just can’t win. That art will always come secondary to profits. What good is an ad or campaign if it’s not going to generate sales? What’s the point of an article if it doesn’t resonate with X number of people and they’re not sharing it on social media? We’re told that dreams are worthless until they can be realised, that our art is only as valuable as the amount of money it can be traded for. We start to internalise this yardstick and whip it out when deciding if what we’re creating is good enough.

And I think that’s the reason people give up on their creative dreams. Nobody sees the value in what they produce, so they think it’s pointless to pursue it.

But really:

It’s such a waste when people give up on their creative dreams because they think their dreams have no place in their environment or society they live in. My dad, for instance, gave up on art school because he thought it was more important to seek gainful employment to help the family. Till this day, he wonders how things might have worked out differently if he had studied design communication like he wanted to.

There is always a place for our art. For more art. And there are people out there who might actually need it, or at least enjoy it. I think as artists (I’m defining this word here as anyone with dreams of creation), we tend to forget that. We think that being in a numbers-driven world what we can offer is of little or no value, or that what we do will always be under-appreciated.

But as long as there is one person out there who believes in your art and your creation and your dreams, then it is your duty to keep producing work to sustain not just them but also – and more importantly – yourself.

This post by Laini Taylor bears re-sharing. Seriously, read it. It will change your life.

We artists are needy! We need constant reminders to keep fighting the good fight. It’s why most artists I know have motivational messages stuck all over their computer screens or walls

This is what’s on my wall.
Or occasionally turn to books like

And

To reignite that spark in themselves.

 

Sometimes, I think it might be easier if I were an analytical, logical ENTJ. But then I think, Nah, I wouldn’t give up my penchant to dream or any part of my creative life just so things would be easier. Being an INFP may be more complex, but it is also very rewarding.

Don’t get me wrong. I understand the need for numbers and weekly reports. They are the most straightforward way to assess the merit of a project, or track the performance and growth of a channel.

But the world also needs artists. People who dream. People who create. It’s the only way humanity can move forward. Sounds grandiose, but I do believe artists, innovators, creators and dreamers are the ones who ask the “right” questions. Not “how much”, but “what if” and “why”.

So if you’re asking those questions and constantly thinking of new ways to tell your stories – be it in a novel, a poem, a song, a dance, a painting, a photo, an ad, whatever – just remember that the world needs your stories, and you owe it to yourself to make your voice heard.

And if you think no one out there appreciates or cares about your art, for what it’s worth there’s always me, rooting for all the artists dreaming big and fighting to leave their fingerprints on the world.
So go forth and unleash your art, and guard it with your life!

How to Lead an Inspired, Creative Life

Some days, creativity can feel like an elusive creature always ducking out of our reach. And some days, we are just too burned out by the daily grind to pursue any creative endeavour.

What is creativity anyway? The textbook definition is “the use of imagination or original ideas to create something”. But I see it as finding ideas from life itself, then weaving them into a bigger dream and making that a reality.

And that’s why creativity can seem like such an illusory, abstract thing. It’s hard to turn new, imaginative ideas into reality if you can’t notice them around you because you’re too busy or tired. Creativity is something that requires passion, devotion, and ample space to explore and ruminate.

[Related Article: 8 Simple Ways to Start the Day Right]

So if you’re looking for new ways to be inspired and break out of your rut, here are some ideas:

 

1. Change Your Scenery

You can’t come up with new ideas by sitting at the same spot every day. Get up and head somewhere different from your regular hangouts. Maybe try a new cafe in another neighbourhood, a different outfit (maybe swap your Little Black Dress for flared jeans), or take a different route home from work. You’d be surprised how a change of scenery can improve your state of mind!

 

2. Get Those Endorphins Pumping

Deadlines, reports, figures. Those things can drive a person insane – believe me, I understand. It is also soul-sucking and draining to do it every day.

If you feel like your creative well is drying out and you’re itching to get back into the groove, clear your head of all those numbers and Excel documents and get moving. Even brisk-walking around your office building can help you re-calibrate. Exercise also helps to sharpen our minds, improve our productivity, and get the creative juices flowing again!

 

3. Break Out of Your Routine

Creativity can’t thrive in an environment that is stagnant and routine. So try new things, gain new experiences, and expose yourself to new situations. Do something outside of the routine you know – be it trying a new workout or picking up a new hobby – and break your habits.

 

4. Fight For Your Space and Time

Creativity needs its own time and space. It’s tempting to just go home and binge-watch Girls or go out for drinks with friends, but if you get too swept up in these activities that don’t support your creative ventures your creativity suffers. While you do need some down-time once in a while, creation only happens when you get cracking. So clear your work space and start creating!

 

5. Be Curious

Creating something from scratch can seem daunting, but not if you start with the questions “Why?” and “What if?” and let these guide you down uncharted paths. Curiosity is what drives any creative process, so have fun, start asking questions, and you might discover answers you never expected.

 

6. Jot It Down

Bring a pen and notebook everywhere with you. They’re handy enough to whip out whenever a thought strikes you. You never know when inspiration for your next feature film or book might hit you, and you don’t want to lose that thought because you weren’t fast enough to capture it!

 

7. Vary Your Companions

If you only hang out with people similar to you, you’ll share similar ideas and outlook. To be introduced to new perspectives and new ways of thinking, invite new people into your life who are different from you and have differing opinions. From them you can learn and discover new things that will help you grow as a person.

 

8. Head Out and Explore 

While holing up somewhere to create is crucial to getting anything done, you also need to get out and immerse in things that inspire you and feed your artistic soul. Take a day trip to the museum or art gallery, watch a play or recital, or go for long walks somewhere you haven’t yet explored.

 

9.  Have No Fear!

Are you a perfectionist? Get over that! There is no room for that in creation – at least, not at the start, when you are just exploring every Shiny New Idea. The fear of failure is something that plagues many artists. But you need to give yourself permission to suck, make mistakes, before anything good comes out of the mess.

10. And Finally, Ignore the Naysayers

Artists are subject to all kinds of criticism, especially from those who don’t see the value or worth in what they’re doing. But birds in a cage think flying is an illness. Don’t let yourself get boxed in by what other people think, or what they believe to be true or “correct”. What’s the status quo? Who decides? You have the power to create the life you want to lead without worrying about what the norm is. Normal is over-rated anyway.

Are you feeling burned out? What are some of your ways to get back into the creative state of mind and recapture your elusive creative genius?

 

This story first appeared on ZALORA Community. For more stories like this, head on over there!